Twenties, to make you or to break you

When I was a teenager, everyone said the best time in life was in your twenties. It’s the time of freedom, impossibilities, independence, no obligations to anyone. You can live, for once, without adults breathing down your backs about something. You are finally the adult, and although there are adults above you, they still have to respect you for who you are; and the children below- because anyone younger than you is a child, all have to show respect to you. You get the best of both worlds by being in the middle. Of course, this may have been one of those myths that you were told growing up. And the illusion is that, it didn’t actually come from grown-ups, this myth came from the other kids in your age group. We envision this perfect transfiguration from nineteen to twenty. A magic trick if you will that transforms us from dirty cinderellas into beautiful princesses. The glory in it all is that chores are no longer our responsibilities. We have no curphews, now  we have the freedom to speak our minds instead of worrying about being disrespectful, when it comes to our siblings we have the right to tell them what to do. Certainly there is some truth about this stage in life, but be warned- we may have been partially deceived.

We were all fed with false evidence, up until we were shot with reality. In my world, having lived half of it, I am confident to admit that there has been some upheavals. As a teenager, I felt stable; there was nothing to take care of- not loans, not bills, not making money, not providing food, shelter, clothes and security for myself, not worrying if not having a job might kill me, not wondering if I choose not to do something will there be a repercussion? I was cushioned into a nice little world and while I had familial issues to deal with; for the most part I never had to face the world. Now, my problems are not at home, mostly because I’m not there either. My dilemmas rests with the outside world. 

How do I purchase all my necessities and stay under my budget of $10? If I ignore the calls from student loan, will they find me? What about my rent? Is prostitution all that bad? Maybe since I lived a good chunk of my life already, I could just die today. I mean, I’m probably going to die from the stress I’m undergoing from my unemployment status eventually; If not before I die from loneliness or boredom. I really blame it on the adults for keeping all this heart ache a secret. Did they think we wouldn’t find out? or were they hoping that we would luck out of this period of life? Personally, I think they were utterly embarrassed about the things they did in their twenties so they dislodge every trace of disaster out of their lives during that time; and pretty it up with what they became. While we were teenagers they sat and listened to us talk about becoming presidents and lawyers, olympic athletes and world’s most famous singers and musicians. They told us, ‘go for it!’. You can do anything. Yet, they failed to tell us the dirty truth that it comes with a lot of endurance. Persistence. Resilience. Courage. They didn’t tell us about this process of learning-about-yourself period in life. That we all go through it, and what we thought about as a teenager may not be what we think about as young adults. When we greet the real world, the soft cushion on which we sat would no longer be there. We are faced with thorns, we have to walk on gravel, and ruffle around in mud a few times. When it’s all over, I guess we might have wonderful princess lives, but of course I have no idea yet because I’m still in the mud. 

Don’t get me wrong however, there are things I did at twenty that I couldn’t have done any other time in my life. I was away at university so I had the freedom that I never had. I was no longer a prisoner of war but a citizen with rights and freedoms. I could go out when I felt like and come in if I felt like. I could have a boyfriend and he could actually call me and he could even come visit. I had no ‘chores’ because if I didn’t feel like cooking, cleaning, doing laundry I just didn’t have to do it. I could travel anywhere I wanted, go out with friends, spend my money and live. I had the best experiences in my twenties and I just wouldn’t trade them in for any other time in my life. However, it’s in this stage that you actually think about the future- how you can make a life for yourself, how to find a long term partner and make a decent living for you and your future family. Again, it’s the middle stage that makes the living difficult. Maybe it’s the early twenties that is the best, but when you are left with the future in your face you realize that you have to start planning for it, otherwise it might wipe you out the battle.

As I think about my future, I still imagine being the princess- with no worries because I found my prince and he’s taking care of everything. I can focus on the little babies and all the animals and plants in the garden. So, I’m wondering how do I get there? I’m still feeling like Cinderella in her stepmother’s house having nothing for myself but the old clothes of yesterday.

Like everyone in their twenties, I’m still in the furnace trying to mold myself into something because no one else is going to do it. So like I said, maybe there is some truth in the excitement of turning twenty; but personally I wouldn’t rush it unless I was already the daughter of a millionaire and the friend of the president. That way, I will walk into my twenties with money and power at hand. I still think I was deceived but I just woke up to reality. I don’t like it but I’ll deal with it. I’ll even dip in my little sack to retrieve some courage, persistence, resilience, and endurance to carry me along the way. I have another five more years to go; if I don’t die I’m certain I’ll transform into a princess just like cinderella!

Today

I’m thinking about you,
the things you’d say,
the way you’d make me laugh,
I’m thinking about you,
today.

My dreams and fantasies are many,
Today, I’m wishing that they come true-
Like a day spent with you on a beach,
or a night in the countryside-
watching the stars.
I’m imagining us holding hands-
while engaging in an exchange of words,
We peer into each others eyes, to find the truth within
The words we share are deeper than what we think,
And today, I will know the truth.

I’m dreaming about you,
the way you make me feel,
the tears you’ve made come to my eyes,
I’m dreaming about you,
today.

I wonder what it is-
that I admire most about you
If I look deep enough, would I find it in your eyes?
I recall many things-
Your usage of words convey eloquence.
Your ambitious nature that drives your every move.
Your robust build that reveals your inner strength.
Your inquistive persona that pulls out every detail within.
Are all astonishing qualities, I like in a man-
I like in you.
Today, I wish to know what you think-

I’m wondering about you-
Wondering about what you’re doing,
What you’re wearing,
I can’t help but wonder about you,
today.

Do you think of me?
In every moment, in every chance,
in every breathe that you take-
Do you imagine me, next to you?
A chance to see my laugh lines,
the twinkle in my eyes,
the dimple in my cheeks-
Do you wish to see me, a God-made creature,
who was made for you, resting in your arms,
today?

So, I’m curious-
Dieing to find out-
Are your thoughts intertwined with my thoughts?
Your wishes, my fantasies, are they somehow knit
Today, my curiosities are running wild-
Too fast for my own mind to catch up,
But my heart is destined to find out,
And I simply must know the truth,
Today.

The Wedding Night

The days I wake up,
I’m still lost in a dream about you-
Like the neverending story or the
song about a lamb that just keeps going and going-
The thoughts vary and I never get bored,
I dream about a life of pleasure with no pain,
what more could a man want from a woman he loves.

I dream of resting my head between your bossom,
the same ripe fruits that solomon sings about,
It’s nice to have two of my own-
Life cannot be the same without you, girl
I have a special melody in my head
I play it off and on when my thoughts rest on you.

You make me feel special,
Everytime I imagine those beautiful brown eyes-
Those curvy thighs,
And the plump buttock-
The thought that God created such a gift for me,
wrapped in white, makes me shed tears of joy.

I have waited long enough,
and I can hardy wait for tonight,
The excitment is killing me,
I’m going to unwrap you girl,
And make love on our wedding night
I’m going to whisper in your ear,
all the things that I’ve been meaning to tell you-
And everynight I will send a prayer to God,
Thanking him for bringing you into my life,
And for making my dreams a reality.

Direct Circuit To The Universe

Yes, things work in mysterious ways but I’m starting to wonder if today, I have somehow uncovered the secret behind the mystery. It seems wildly odd that often what we think about most, randomly happens- and we are left in a state of puzzlement because we cannot completely fathom how the very thoughts we were thinking, appear by coincidence. Assuming then, that it was pure coincidence is as far as our incredulous mind will wrap itself around the event. Now, if these random acts of coincidence happens all too often, and to more people than you can name, how can this phenomenon be dubbed, chance or luck. Is it really?

The most recent ‘chance’ that happened to me went like this: I wanted to have a specific conversation with a particular person, Jon. Jon is a person I’ve known for several years, he is a father-figure to me, and his opinions are very important especially on the topic of religion; which in fact was the topic I had a quandry with. You see, for a month I had these pertinent questions that needed answering and Jon was the one person, I knew could assist me. Due to my busy schedule- I failed to make the appointment that I needed to make with Jon. I wasn’t even able to see Jon at our church, which is where I often interact with him. So ‘chance’ as you might define it, had it that my dear friend Jon, spotted me at a bus stop. Of course, I paid no attention to it- I waved to Jon who was in his vehicle and he quickly drove away. The following morning, my schedule allowed me some free time so I used it to go jogging. “Chance” again caused me to bump into Jon. In fact, I ran directly towards his house, and saw Jon mowing his lawn while his children were standing around. I knew that Jon lived nearby, but as I was jogging I failed to pay attention to the street names and so, was not aware that I was jogging on Jon’s street, until I saw him of course. At this point, these perceived random accidents had to be more than that. I had a divine predestined appointment with Jon. So, that morning I had the opportunity to ask him all the questions that were circulating in my mind. I got my answers, had time to spend with my spiritual father, Jon and his whole family.

This is not the only mysterious event that conjured up questions in my mind. A friend of mine also drew my attention to an event that took place in his life recently. He had scheduled a dentist appointment early in the year, but had failed to go through with it. He promised himself to re-schedule that appointment but because of his demanding work schedule he procrastinated. After several months had passed, he failed to make the needed appointment. This morning he finally decided to get his phone to call up the dentist. The moment he got his phone and was actually ready to carry out his very intentions, the phone rang. Low and behold, it was his dentist- calling to ask if he wanted to re-schedule an appointment. How bizarre is that?

It seems to me that “chance” is not exactly an accurate expression to connote these occurances. In my opinion, that word is rather minute to depict these heavy phenomena. It doesn’t accurately paint a precise picture of certain incidences in life that we think about and they magically appear out of nowhere. I am tempted to assume that these “interesting incidents” happened because of an energy that got through the circuit and made it all the way to the Universe or to God. And in essence, allowing the Universe or God to respond to our deep wishes. If this is the case, shouldn’t we use this amazing transmitter, the mind, a little more often? If all we have to do is focus on a specific thought and it appears, why don’t we intensionally do this more often, as oppose to doing so subsconciously?

Clearly, my theory is not exactly original because it has been said many times, but I wanted to explain my experience in a vivid way to help you see the strong influence that our “small” minds play in the Universe. How interesting!

My Revolutionary Road

Let’s say we became Mr. Prince and Mrs. Cinderella. We have beautiful babies and live in that gorgeous white house with picket fences. Say we have a nice family van. I stay home and Mr. Prince goes to work or maybe I have a great career- that allows me to stay home with the kids. And we have a nice dog and of course wonderful neighbours. Would that be all we need? Would we arrive at the pinnacle of success then? -What society calls, ‘the good life’ or otherwise known as- The American Dream.

We, North Americans work so hard- for all our lives. We strive to make it to this invisible peek of success measured by our society. We put ourselves into debt to arrive. We spend our lives in school to arrive. We work all our lives at dead-end jobs to arrive. We do everything in our powers to make a mark on society so we could be considered ‘unique’ only we have no idea that in the end, what we will achieve are these conventional stereotypes- the ‘status quos’ of our society. This is the deceptive truths and although I’m writing about it, I will somehow fall into the trap. Often it is not solely because we desire this lifestyle of conformity; rather it’s because society implicitly pressured you and I to go after it. How so? When our friends that we grew up with are married with children, and we are still that 30 year old single girl without a partner, and living in a lonely apartment we will unconsciously begin to question ourselves- ‘What’s wrong with me?’ ‘Am I ugly, fat, or flat out was made to be a nun? This is how we will succumb to the stereotype, which leads you and I to suddenly find a man to marry- like every other girl.

When our friends are going off to college, we will begin to wonder is that the norm? Are we abnormal for not even knowing what we want to do with our own lives? The dilemma is that the moment we step back to think about what we want for ourselves, we hear society whispering or often shouting from behind, ‘what’s wrong with you?’ ‘Can’t you be like your friends?’ ‘Everyone else is going to college, why aren’t you?’ Now, I’m curious, how can we think with all this noise? How can we ever figure out the puzzle of our own lives, fates, destinies- if by choosing differently, we are labelled as rebels, abnormals, stupid, lost, insane- the list goes on. Why can’t we get credit for not knowing or for taking the ‘odd’ path? Why is society so keen on us walking on the same road? Isn’t that so uninteresting? Where is the excitement in being like everybody else? We all grow up in houses with picket fences, we all wear pretty pink dresses, go to private schools, graduate and go off to colleges, become lawyers or doctors, get married, buy our own white picket fence house, have two children, die- but of course, our children will continue on this ‘revolutionary road’.

As I revealed earlier, we don’t often realize that we are conforming to society’s norms. When we finally come to this painful realization, that we are not what we set out to be in the first place (donkey years ago now)- that we are only in the same boat as everyone else, living the conventional lifestyle- We have to ask ourselves, is this it? Is this what I worked my butt off for? Then, the toughest question of all filters through us- Why am I not happy? After 30, 40, 45 years we now see that all we’ve been doing with this special gift of Life, is just being like the Jones’. I may as well call myself Mrs. Jones, for as far as I know, Mrs. Cinderella did live her life happily ever after. So what do we do from here? We can’t undo the past, so there is no use looking back on these wasted years. They are not exactly wasted, but the truth is, you lost your identities in the process- and now you have to recover it.

Deceived we have been, but not battered or torn. There is one thing missing in our life’s puzzle- that is, ourselves. In all this struggle of living up to expectations, how much of this was really me? Did I actually want to be married? Am I happy with this man? What about my kids? Do I really love them? Can I grow to love them? Do I love my job? And my big house- do I like it? Can I even afford it? What about that Escalade in the garage- could I do with something smaller? I think if we figure out the answers to these questions and then find out what it is we’d rather have or do, then we might discover ourselves in the muck that we’ve created. Life isn’t difficult, some may say, but society’s expectations certainly causes us to loose ourselves. And we don’t often recover it until we are half dead- what a shame.

Friend for a lifetime?

Have you ever had that friend who knew you so well, you thought he could be your perfect companion? He knows the exact words to say; and when you have a problem, he listens as you sift through it. He gives you all his time, until all has been resolved. And provides you with just the emotional support you need. He has become your best friend, your source of joy, fun, happiness- your everything. All in a span of months.

Prior to knowing him, your life was good and you were happy with all the people in it. But after meeting this friend, he added so luxuriantly to your once ‘ok’ life- so much that you wondered if life would ever be the same without him. How could it? Who would be that source of inspiration? That psychologist that listens and somehow understands? Honestly, who would be that person that makes talking on the phone a hobby, and every conversation to be meaningful and wholesome? Nobody.

Certainly noone could ever replace this friend, and equally certain- if he was removed from your life, you would be devastated. I would. I agree that I would find a replacement, but knowing how I feel about this friend in my life, makes it unimaginable to have him gone. My friend also has integrated me in his life entirely. He has shared his best experiences and his worse with me. He has entrusted me with his secrets and allowed me in his world. I have also done the same for him, because we share this compelling need to disclose details to each other. And in every engagement, new details arise and each appointment brings us closer as companions.

He nicknamed me “leech”, but while I am tremendously benefitting from his gift of wisdom; I’d like to think I’m offering him something as well. I’m providing him with a goldmind filled with experiences of which I share with him freely. I’ve given him unconditional time, just as he’s done for me. And most importantly, I chose to be his friend. Those benefits can last for a lifetime, if providence allows. However long we know each other, we have been a blessing in each other’s lives.

What I do hope is that this friend will outlast all the others- that this friend will blossom into a soulmate because of our kindred spirit. Because of the way I always wish for him to be within my reach. Because of how we converse for hours on end. It is unfathomable how prior to those few months, we did not know each other, yet we were happy. Now, it’s hard to envision life without my friend. What I am imagining is how I can keep him in my life. Not that I previously thought of him as a partner, but the more our friendship grows the closer we’re getting to that impeccable union. The point of concern is that neither of us has discussed this state of discomfort, in spite the myriads of other discussions we’ve had. Of course, I cannot allude that our feelings are mutual and I do not wish to confront the issue. But I’m having a difficult time submerging these intense thoughts and feelings. I’m left in a state of bewilderment because I don’t know what to do.

My past dictates that the men I date never stick around after the termination of the relationship; or rather I erase them from my life. This friend of mine is too worthwhile and significant for me to put him in such a condition where there might be a chance of elimination. I’d rather keep him on a pedestal of my list of friends. However, it is undoubtedly difficult to have extreme desires for someone you consider a friend. What can I do in this instance, I’d like to know?

No other friend has bonded with me so effortlessly- has inquiried about my whole life story and knows more about me than even those closest to me has. Within a very short period of time, this friend has become so familiar with my patterns of behaviour, it’s hard to pretend. I have never experienced the type of chemistry between another friend; and interestingly it grows in every instant that we communicate. Life certainly brings amazing people into our lives: some are for a moment, others are for a season, and the best are those that comes for a lifetime. My hope is that this friend will be the latter.